The Normal Divorce

I have been thinking a lot about interactions lately.  Whether between a husband and wife, two co-workers, kids and their friends, there are some very interesting patterns if you watch them closely.  I think if asked, we would all say that healthy communication contains honesty, external focus, politeness, openness, and respect.  But as I really started paying attention to how many people communicate to each other, our actions many times do not match our words.

I have seen married couples rudely talking to each other.  Attacking one, defending themselves.  I have seen kids change how they communicate to fit in, or to manipulate the situation (seen adults do this as well).  I have seen escalation tactics occur (usually through exaggeration or yelling) to get a point across.  I have seen spouses call each other words not fit for anyone.  We make snide comments to hide hidden meanings but call it humor.  We use blame instead of partnership.

I think in many cases we have created a habit of bad communication.  So instead, we use white lies, internal focus, rudeness, and disrespect.  I am not saying that this occurs in all cases in all people, but as I continue to mentor and coach, those who are struggling are usually using very negative communication patterns.  If you look inside of organizations with a hurting culture, I would not be surprised if bad communication also exists.

So how do we get to better/positive communication?  My Mom used to tell me, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say it at all.”  Seems too simple.  But I love simple.  I don’t think for something to work, it has to be difficult.  In fact, most things in life are pretty basic, but we let it get complicated.

First, I think we need to validate the emotion.  This is different than acting on the emotion.  The feeling is real.  Whether it is hurt, sadness, fear, these exist and usually appear without our control.  I am not suggesting that we pretend they don’t exist.  But what I do believe we can do is make sure we respond to the emotion in a healthy way.  Instead of attacking your partner when you feel scared, tell them you are scared and why.  Ask them for help in trying to change your heart so you are no longer scared.  Use that emotion to pray to God asking for his wisdom and protection.  That He could use these emotions to mature you.

If you do not like something, why attack it?  Why not express your feelings honestly so your friend knows how you feel but not being blamed for it?  If you are listening, why defend yourself?  Why not just validate the other’s feelings without taking ownership of causing the feeling.  Why get angry and yell at someone that is hurting us?  Why not help them understand how it makes us feel?  We cannot control how people react or communicate with us, but we can take ownership of how we communicate and listen to others.  I have seen in many cases where once the communication became healthy, the heart become healthy, and the relationship became healthy.

My encouragement and prayer for you is take ownership for your communication.  Listen openly without defense and communicate in a healthy loving manner.  I guarantee you will experience a more loving, trusting and open relationship that God wants for all of us.

Ephesians 4:14-15 – Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming.  Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ

Ephesians 4:25 – Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body.

Proverbs 15:18 – A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict, but the one who is patient calms a quarrel.

In Christ,

Todd

admin Just Thoughts

John 8:44 – you belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.

Satan is a very smart cookie.  I hate to admit this, but he knows when and how to use everything against us.  As we overcome a lot in our lives, we will always be fighting the battle between good and evil.  As we continue to keep our life on track and figure out how to find joy in all we have been given, he will attack us from every angle.

One area I find him very tricky, is when we have committed to doing the right things, and stop doing what he wants us to do.  When he has lost us to good, this is when Satan decides to lie to us.  He will convince us that the good we are doing is actually bad.  He will remind us of all of our mistakes.  He will make us feel guilty for feeling joy.  He will create doubt when there is so much clarity.

It is very scary how well Satan can lie and convince us that what is logical is not.  He toys with our emotions, our mistakes, our weaknesses, our guilts and our fears.  He knows exactly when, how and where to use the lies.  I have seen very logical people do some very illogical actions because they bought into the lies.

In those going through divorce or been divorce, Satan has a huge target.  We have guilt, hurt, loss, mistakes, fear, anger, you name it, that he can use to convince us that his lies are the truth.  During these times of great emotional struggles, it is very hard to defend yourself from this deceit.

Here are the things I found that helped me protect me from these lies:

• Pray for God’s protection.  Wearing His armor is our greatest protection.

• Remind yourself that anything that tries to make you feel bad when you know you are doing good, must be Satan.

• Keep your army close.  During these times, it is even more important to keep your friends and family close to help fight Satan’s attacks.  Many times when Satan lies to you, he is trying to separate you from your troops so he can have you alone.  Fight the urge to hide from those who can help you.

• If you can’t tell what is a truth and what is a lie, open your Bible.  His Word is the truth and the only truth.  If it matches what the Bible tells us, then we know it is from God.  If it goes against what the Bible tells us, then we know it is from Satan.

Satan is the great deceiver.  My pray for all of you is that you gain the wisdom and insight to see through his lies and that you will imbed your life so far into Jesus Christ that you will never be tricked again.

In Christ,

Todd

admin Divorce

“the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”  Psalm 34:18

I saw this verse today and it reminded me of how many times God has stood by my side, carried me, and helped me through the toughest times of my life.  It is so humbling to know that no matter what I face in this world, He is bigger than all of it.  I have been able to see great loss in my life.  Whether through the loss of my wife in divorce, or a loved one I care about deeply, each time has been extremely hard.

Sometimes we can wonder why this happens.  We ask “why me?”  Why do people have to suffer?  I think that God allows us to experience loss for several reasons.  First, so we have to rely on Him.  It is during those times that we look for Him and cling onto Him with our every being.  He is the constant in all the equations, so we better hang on to Him.  I love how close I feel to God when I know I am being challenged.

Second, God will use those times to mature us.  As I look back on the times I was brokenhearted, my life has changed in big ways.  Huge ways.  I know that He works in me in a time of crisis, and I learned some of the best lessons of my life.

Third, He will use the tough times on you to help others.  I have seen a mother dying with cancer rock people’s worlds.  As she continues to battle, people have trusted their lives to Jesus Christ, people have quit smoking, marriages have grown stronger, families come closer, and people have given like they have never given before.  The cancer is awful and we hate to see her struggle, but I can also see the great works that Jesus is working through this time.

Fourth, it reminds us to focus on the big prize.  I mean the hum dinger.  Eternity in heaven.  If you really think about the struggles we have versus the scope of eternity, it is like a small micro second of time.  As we are struggling with our circumstance, if we can find a way to remind ourselves that once we are in heaven with our maker, none of these problems will matter.  How great is that?!

If you are struggling today, open up your arms and accept the biggest hug from your Father.  He loves you very much and He hates to see people suffer.  He will be there, He understands, He loves, He comforts, He Saves.

My prayer for you today is that you find peace in knowing that Jesus Christ is with us always, and giving our life to Him means living in peace for eternity.

In Christ,

Todd

admin Just Thoughts